You NEVER Asked

There are very few people that know about my story. I haven't always been this #selflove beauty that I am today. I really want to be transparent here, and tell you all about it. Let's talk about my battle with Mental Illness. Here's my story..

Fall 2011 was seriously one of the hardest semester that I've ever experienced. That was my own fault, because I was Biology major with terrible study habits, and I decided to take General Chemistry, Anatomy and Physiology, and Scientific Literacy all in that semester. Let's be honest, I absolutely love Science and Math, neither should have ever been my major. I have no idea why I even decided to go to that school, because I was supposed to go to an Art School and get my BFA in Fashion Design. There's nothing wrong with the college that I attended, but there was a lot wrong with my major! I absolutely hated it!! Hate is an understatement. The reason that I was a Biology major was because, I wanted to be a Dentist. I only wanted to be a Dentist, because I loved going to the dentist. Soooooooooo DUMB! That and the amount a career pays have to be the worst reasons ever to choose a major/career. Okay, okay... my rant about my major is over. You're welcome.

I was unhappy with my major, my boyfriend at the time basically ignored me the whole summer and still was, my grades were terrible, and my family was going through some major issues. I had a ton of stuff going on. I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend. It ruined me! I was in love with him, but I felt the love was not reciprocated so I ended it. (Currently no hard feelings towards the fellow.) I remember I had to take an A&P exam on my birthday, and I spent the whole week studying for that test. I made a 52 on that exam. Then I was hearing rumors of things that were going on at home, and I was mortified. The worst thing you can do is tell an empathetic worrier bad news. I just didn't feel like anything was worth it. I skipped class, work study, I never went home, etc. It took me 3 years to get over that breakup. Getting out of bed to go to lunch was a chore, and I love lunch!

Rewind 3 years
I also struggled with paranoia. That was due to an ex telling me that he would kill himself if I broke up with him. I only stayed to spare his life without knowing that his life would not have been gone if I broke up with him. He was using a very old, very vicious tactic to make me stay with him. How sick does a person have to do that to someone else? How selfish! Something inside of me died that day. Trust! Since then, it has been very difficult for me to trust anyone or have a decent relationship. When I lost contact with that joker, I deleted everything that tied me to him. I was so scared that he would find me, I changed my name and pictures on Social Media, and I made everything private. I was afraid for my life, but on night I had a dream about him. When I woke up the next morning from that dream, I was relieved. I had a peace for the first time since that situation in Spring 2012. I knew that God would take care of me.


video

For the record, the reason I use a different name on my social media is to promote my blog, and I think that B. Ieisha is a more memorable name than Brittany. It separates me from the other 100 million Brittanys in the world.

Sadly, I still struggle with trust issues. And the reason that my cutoff game is so strong is that I can! I can just cut someone off if they aren't adding positive things to my life, and there won't be any creepy ultimatums to trap me in. I am a very emotional, empathetic person, but I will not stand for anyone taking advantage of my good nature to get what they want. That is emotional abuse, and if you have been in or are currently in a relationship like this, honey you have been or are in an abusive relationship, and you need to get out. And if you are the one abusing, SEEK HELP immediately. No one should have to experience abuse!

Somehow, I have lived through this without completely losing myself. I thank God for that, because when I was down he was my strength. I have my moments of sadness, but nothing like before. I just have to get up and keep living, because giving up is not an option. And oh yeah, I switched my major later on that Semester to Intercultural Studies... LOVED IT!! No, I haven't finished school, because school is so expensive. I do plan on finishing it up though. In the mean time, I'll continue reading and be an autodidact. Thanks for reading.

Conquer your trials! Open up! Love yourself!

XOXO,
B. Ieisha

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