So, long time no blog. I know, I've been super busy losing myself. Yep, for a moment I lost myself (okay, it was longer than a moment). I was convinced that my life was only valid, because I was doing things for others, and I natural "pushover" status that wouldn't allow me to say no, because I put myself in the shoes of others and realized that their needs were "more important" than mine. I'm not speaking of one individual, I am speaking about a collection of individuals that I have met over the years. I felt like I had to go above and beyond for people to keep their interest, but that is a HUGE lie. My personality alone can speak for me. But that part of my personality made me allow people to take advantage of me. A lot of people may not know this, but I like to help people. It's sort of my Calling, if you will. If someone needs help, I do it usually without much complaint. I usually will begin to vent to my mama when I'm beginning to feel taken advantage of. At the same time, I will continously swallow my feelings, and continue to "help". At this point, can you call it help? The excruciating and awkward feeling of saying no to someone when they count on me, but I feel so useless to them otherwise. I hate being so eager to help people at times, and I often ask God, "Why am I like this?" It just makes me a target for being used. It's a terrible feeling!!

But that moment when enough is enough, and I put my foot down, I feel relieved! I feel so free from holds of that person or situation. I want to live my life for myself! No one else can live it for me, and if I live my life to please others and wait on them, I am not truly living. I am simply existing in a constant state of delusion if I think that I'm living.

Love is something that I have a lot of, and over the years I have mistook something so pure for something awful. I once paid a guy's phone bill due to this "untrue love". Never again! I have listened to all kinds of lies, and put up with so much crap, that I should have given up on true love. I haven't completely given up on it, I'm taking much needed intermission. The last guy that I was interested in, didn't accept my worm. No fish were caught that day! I cast out my line to him, and he didn't bite. I was like, I tried. That's the furthest I'll go with that, because I'm not going pursue him. I'm old school as heck. No shame! I am all for equality, but I refuse to chase a man! The Bible doesn't, "She who finds a good husband..."! It's the other way around. No, I wasn't trying to get my ring before next spring, I was using that to prove a point.

Now, to say the least, I AM DONE! I will not be going back to the old ways of this where I let people run over me, silence my opinions, and I will not do anything extra to keep someone interested in me, whether in a romantic or platonic manner.

Be bold! Be open! Say NO!

B. Ieisha

Me being care-free sipping a Lime Jarritos Soda. 

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